[olug] (OT) Any good April Fools jokes planned?

Roger Hubbard hubbardroger at msn.com
Wed Mar 31 19:50:21 UTC 2010

When UseNet was the rage,
the BOFH doc was posted every month..

Here is a couple of excerpts from one of the postings.

Still Birthing the Bastard Operator from Hell.. (Bored #3)

I'm bored.
So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files, then waiting for them to call...

"Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says

"Files? What files?"

"The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!"

"Gone ay? What's your username?"

I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers back and forth across the keypad.

"Uh-huh" *drag drag* "Yeah.." *dragedy poke* "AH! - You haven't got any files"


"Well, what are you calling ME for? 
We don't make the files you know, we just look after them. 
And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a couple of days.."

I hang up - he'll call back. 
Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL" 
I'm reading the article I sent in about getting rid of those trouble users...

"... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to use the password generate utility when they change their password (so their password will always be something that looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all other commands point to it."

Beautiful. Shit I'm good.

He calls back.
"MY FILES ARE GONE!" he screams, panicking.

"Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie

"But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs

"Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to tape the neighbour's sex romps..."

I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my problem...


Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matinee Feature 
"I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! 
Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I
don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.


I kill me; I really do!

On Mar 30, 2010, at 12:10 PM, Kevin D. Snodgrass wrote:

> Any body going to upside-down-ternet their (l)users Thurs?
> Any other good tricks to play on (l)users?
> Kevin D. Snodgrass
> _______________________________________________
> OLUG mailing list
> OLUG at olug.org
> https://lists.olug.org/mailman/listinfo/olug

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